Doomsday

first day back at work.

The dread started the night before while snuggling with my sweet warm baby thinking about leaving her in the morning before she even woke up. She fell asleep around 12:15 and I stayed up 'til about 1am getting things ready and secretly hoping for a miracle. Woke up at 6:45. No miracle. I checked on sleeping baby. Got baby's milk ready for the day. Checked on sleeping baby. Took a shower. Checked on sleeping baby. Got dressed. Checked on still sleeping baby. I thought maybe I was making enough noise to rouse her but no dice. Just as well I suppose because if I saw those big blues looking up at me my heart would have broken thus rendering me completely useless.  So off to work I went leaving my snoozing munchkin behind to start the day without her Momma. My mind can't stop thinking that while she is greeting the world with big gum-baring smiles, I will be sitting in a meeting discussing merger integration. I am going to cry, no, throw up, wait, maybe both. Tears welled up as I said goodbye to Kurt and got in the car, dropping my stuff next to the EMPTY car seat base. Lord help me. I maintained my composure as I drove to work by taking deep breaths and telling myself I would be ok. I held it together and sure enough was sitting in a conference room right around the time my bundle of joy was delighting Elaine with her grinning face. Shoot me now. I managed not to call until after 11am which I thought was very impressive and did not go home for lunch as I had initially thought about doing. Honestly I did not trust myself to return to the office if I did that. It's easier to focus on work and not think about missing her. Except for the fact that everyone keeps coming over to ask how I'm doing and wanting to see pictures of my sweet baby.  If people would stop reminding me about it I may be able to make it through the day without that clenched up feeling creeping up my throat. I actually had to look away as folks flipped through her little photo book as I could feel the tears starting to form.  When I got home and scooped up my little girl I wanted to cry all over again because it was 5PM and the first time I held her all day.  I may have to start waking her up so I can make it through.  Is that selfish?  I can't decide what the best thing is for her and for me.  At least I know she is well taken care of in the safety and comfort of our own home.  God help me when she goes to daycare.
So in an effort not to be a total downer (the Doomsday title is perhaps a little over the top), I will list a few good things about the day.  (1) My work people were happy to see me.  They even sent a little bouquet of flowers to welcome me back.  So thoughtful!  Which leads me to (2) I have new people to accost with baby pictures.  (3) The chick at the coffee shop remembered me and asked about the baby AND they had pumpkin spice flavored coffee.  Mmmm...good.  (4) I discovered that I did not lose as many brain cells as I thought during my hiatus.  I was a little concerned when I couldn't for the life of me remember the floor I worked on for the previous five months, but I think that was due to a psychological block rather than stupidity.  (5)  Baby was a particularly wonderful girl tonight.  She chatted on the phone to her Grandparents and splish splashed with glee in her whale tub during bathtime.  She's sleeping soundly now and she's the best thing ever.  Being away from her makes me appreciate every silly noise, every wide-eyed smile, every touch of her little hands, every single moment all the more.   Great.  I'm getting weepy again.  Time to go to bed and do it all over again in the morning.  First on the to-do list...buy lottery ticket.